As usual the distracting issue in my creative practice this week has been finding balance. Balance between my personal life, graduate work, and artwork. Balance between “eating all the things on my plate” and still enjoying the meal. Balance in enjoying the moment and not worrying about the future. That’s a big one for me. It is in many ways a struggle with my own expectations and fear of failure or not measuring up to those expectations. The amazing thing is that as I struggle to balance all of these spheres of my life, I find nothing but affirmation and encouragment from other individuals. They expect me to do only that which I am called to do, that which will fill me up, that which I am passionate about – and I have been given numerous resources to help me along this journey in many of these individuals. Everywhere I look there is someone offering me the space, the grace, to live fully into who I am – a glimmer of who I am meant to be. And yet grace is so hard to accept – why? Is it because some part of me might one day like to proclaim “I did this all on my own – I am beholden to no one”? Is it because some people have offered me a false grace in the past – a grace that was really not free – that I had to pay back later? As a human being – a creature defined by the reality of simply existing, simply being, here’s how I’d like to be:
- I want to find fullness in the daily work I do.
- I want to find joy in every task, and approach every task with patience and good will.
- I want to be in tune to how each part of my life influences every other part and cannot be separated out from my witness or my story.
- I want to be more excited than afraid of new challenges.
- I want to dole out love along the journey, even and maybe especially, when it’s difficult.
- I want to be free from worry about the future because I am absorbed in the beauty of the present.
- I want to accept grace with both arms and my whole heart, and really trust it is real.
And there are other things, but this list is long enough for now.
These things are also what I wish for others in my life. To my husband-my partner-my lover, to my family, my friends, the stranger on the street; to the person who has no one to extend them the hand and heart of grace. This is my prayer today, oh, father-mother-God, enfold us all in your grace, this is my prayer to you!